What do adolescence and midlife have in common? Read “Advice We Give Our Children But Fail To Follow” to learn more.
TEENAGE DREAM
When my daughter Freddy was 7, she wanted to sing Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” at the school talent show. I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t an appropriate song for a little girl to sing at a school event. However, she kept insisting that the song had no inappropriate words. Without any concern, she sang out loud: “Let you put your hands on me in my skintight jeans be your teenage dream tonight” and even louder: ”Let’s go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love…”. I may sound narrow-minded to some, but I’m sure my American friends understand.
Fireworks
In the end, she sang “Fireworks” at the show; another song by Katy Perry. The lyrics from that song meant as little to her, at the time, as the lyrics from ”Teenage Dream”. Later in life, when she became a teenager, she started feeling “fragile like a house of cards”, “like a waste of space” and “already buried deep”, like Katy Perry’s lyrics in the song. She had always been an incredibly confident and self-assured child, so comfortable with her own strengths and weaknesses. It was so concerning that, from one day to the next, she started hating herself and the way she looked. I often thought, that if only she could see what I saw when I looked at her, but she refused to acknowledge what an incredible person she was.
Christmas Lunch
Years later my sister was having a Christmas lunch for about 20 girlfriends. Right before dessert, I sneaked into the kitchen to prepare a short speech about the past few years of my life and what I expected of the years to come. “Ahh, it’s my turn next,” I said when my daughter walked up behind me, clearly not excited that I was about to get everyone’s attention.
I had just heard some inspiring and heartfelt stories, from the other women, reflecting new beginnings, exciting careers, and personal growth. My life at the moment revolved around the journey Allan and I had embarked on as digital nomads. I didn’t know what the next month would bring, let alone the next few years, and suddenly I became acutely aware of my life story’s lack of professional aspirations. It made me feel insecure and Freddy sensed it immediately. “Whatever you say”, she said, “you must know that your story is at least as interesting, if not more, considering all the experiences you’re having on your journey. You will be fine!”.
Reversed roles
In that moment I felt our roles had been reversed and she was now the adult. I thought about all the years, when she was growing up, and time and time again I had reassured her that everything would be fine. That she would be fine! Looking at that amazing, independent, and confident young woman she had become, I was right about that. More so than I had ever hoped for.
Insecure Teenager
I wondered why, in midlife, I felt like an insecure teenager. I knew that I was smart, creative, and resourceful and you would think by then, I had proven my worth in some ways. So why did I fear judgment from these women, most of whom I didn’t know very well? Why fear the rejection? The thing was, I felt uncomfortable about positive feedback as much as I feared negative. More than anything, I feared that people wouldn’t think anything about me at all. That they simply didn’t care.
Adolescence versus Midlife
Comparing myself to a teenager, turned out to be not so crazy after all. Adolescence and midlife share many psychological and developmental similarities. Midlife is a major transition period involving intense self-reflection, identity evaluation, and personal growth. Does this sound familiar to a teenager? Exactly!
In midlife, we often reflect on our accomplishments and failures. Sometimes we mostly focus on our defeats, often without even being aware. We feel the changes happening to us; the kids moving out, an old person staring back in the mirror, our spouse getting more annoying by the minute. Do we pay enough attention to what’s happening inside of us?
Life Questions
When we reflect on our past we start questioning ourselves: “Did I accomplish what I intended?”, “Did I make the right choices?”, “What if I had done this instead of that?”, “What does the future have in store?”. These questions make us feel insecure and often emphasize that we may not exactly be where we had imagined ourselves at this time of life.
Young people also feel insecure about themselves and their future and ask similar questions. However, where they have reason to feel optimistic about working things out, it may feel like it’s too late to make changes, in midlife. Think about this though: Harriette Thompson – A cancer survivor who ran her first marathon at the age of 76, and at 91 years old completed her 15th marathon. I tend to double down on feeling like a failure when I hear something like that but maybe it’s never too late to make adjustments, to be the person you want to be or live the life you want to live.
Rebuilding Confidence
Things were tough for Freddy for a while, but like any teenager she had proven adaptable, navigating the challenges and setbacks in her life. She had transformed her insecure teenager with resilience, creativity, and by being true to herself.
The advice we as parents gave her growing up, reflecting our convictions and aspirations for her growth and development, seemed to have worked out pretty well. The encouragement to face challenges with resilience and a growth mindset empowered her and rebuilt her confidence. She was no longer afraid to step out of her comfort zone and trust in her abilities, so why was I?
Time to follow my own advice
No doubt I had allowed insecurity and doubt to stand in my way for too long, especially in my professional life. Maybe…probably…for sure….it was time for me to start following the advice I had once given my kids. Or even better, learn from how adolescents embrace their journey of self-discovery. Get inspired by the way they bounce back when life gets tough, and focus on the here and now instead of worrying about the future. But especially by how they go through the changes in life with curiosity and enthusiasm and eventually live in alignment with their own values, passions, and ambitions.
A Growth mindset
With permission from my daughter Freddy.
A growth mindset. A mindset by which you persevere in the face of failure. A mindset where you have a desire to build and learn upon abilities you already have. It’s not easy, but it’s freeing. Success is not just overcoming obstacles. Successes is overcoming obstacles and bettering your mentality because of it.
I am by no means perfect and never will be. I don’t strive for perfection because I know it isn’t realistic. But if I love what I’m doing, then I’ll always be enough, and society should accept us for doing our best. I am growing building, learning, struggling, pushing, and fighting consistently in hopes to achieve my ideal self. So, is it one day or day one for you?
Frederikke kristensen, jan 2021