FROM CHAOS TO CALM
This is a story about an emotional roller coaster, an abandoned sand dune, an old black woman, and a micro-lesson in neuroplasticity. We all have different stories, but the struggle of navigating emotional stability and change during midlife is similar for many people. The question is how to get off the rollercoaster and regain emotional control when it seems to be all over the place from time to time?!
BACK WHERE I STARTED
At this point, we’ve traveled thousands of miles from California. I am more than six months into my midlife journey of self-discovery and here I am, feeling like I’m stuck on an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve had plenty of time for inner reflection, I allowed myself to feel all the feelings, explored new interests, challenged myself, meditated, created good habits, and connected all the dots trying to figure out who I am and who I want to become. Still, I feel like I’m right back where I started even though I’m physically in Marietta, Georgia.
Read more about Marietta and Georgia.
THE SAND DUNE
A few days before traveling back from Europe, I had walked down to the beach close to my parent’s house. I wandered across the sand dunes towards the ocean like I had many times before. I paused for a moment and observed a big dune where Lucca and the kids used to climb to the top and roll down. High speed, sand everywhere, laughter, and mostly friendly fights about who could roll down the fastest. All I could hear now was the deafening silence of the abandoned dune.
Kids climbing the sand dune
Freddy had left for Sri Lanka a few days earlier and I had wanted to cry so bad, but didn’t. I stayed strong and encouraging as always. I actually hadn’t cried since the day Lucca passed in August. Now, in the misty ocean breeze, tears started falling down my cheeks. I guess, that’s what an abandoned sand dune, where kids and dogs are supposed to roll down, can do to you.
The sand dune with no kids
Home
During our two months in Europe, we spend quality time with the kids, friends, and family. It was wonderful in so many ways but in the end, I needed to go back to some sort of everyday life. Back to structured living with regular exercise, meals, work, and sleep. However, now that I was back in the US I started questioning the paradox of living a life far away from the people you love, – far away from home. “Home” is what I call Southern California even though we don’t live there anymore. “Home” is what I call my parents house in northern Denmark even though I never lived there growing up. So what were we doing in a random place like Marietta, Georgia?
Marietta Square in Georgia
AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER
When we moved into the Airbnb in Marietta I started questioning everything about this journey and I wasn’t really prepared for an out-of-control emotional rollercoaster ride. For the most part, it had been a steady and gradual climb since we started our journey. Filled with hard work, trying to reach that pivotal moment where I would see everything from a new perspective and finally get some clarity about this midlife situation. I didn’t mind the twists and turns of our journey because I know that they shape who we are, and I’ve come to appreciate both the thrilling peaks and the calm moments in between.
Gravity
However, leaving Europe and our kids behind once again is when gravity hit me. We were back in the US living “real life”, and it was just the two of us again, Allan and I. This journey was supposed to bring clarity and motivation to pursue new ambitions. It was supposed to be the ultimate descent. Now the feeling of loss was overwhelming, and uncertainty was hovering above me. What if we had stayed in California? Then at least I would have some idea about what to expect next. Or, what if we moved back to Denmark, then we would be closer to family.
An Old Black woman
For a couple of days in Marietta, I felt like a mess, all anxious and stressed and then paralyzed and deflated. My midlife opportunity was at risk of developing into a full-blown midlife crisis.
Then, when I looked out the window in our small living room, I could see an old black woman sitting on the worn steps outside the house next door. On her feet, a pair of well-worn slippers. A faded scarf tight around her head and an apron stained with stories of hardship and sorrow, of struggle and resilience. Her skin was dark and leathered, her eyes filled with quiet resignation.
There was something about that old woman and her family’s cluttered living situation that told me, this family wasn’t exactly worried about an existentialistic crisis. They were worried about getting by. It made me feel ashamed, maybe even guilty, and especially self-absorbed for not appreciating my own good fortune when others around me were struggling.
Mural of two women in Marietta
Blueprint
So, a lot was going on; anxiety, stress, deflation, guilt, midlife crisis. I decided to make Marietta a turning point. That didn’t mean – no stress, deflation, or guilt ever again but I started by acknowledging that decisions are rarely black and white but often involve navigating complex emotional landscapes.
Then I made a choice or rather a series of choices. I could either stay on the emotional rollercoaster or do everything in my power to get off. Usually, I don’t approach my feelings systematically or scientifically but I realize that I have created a personal blueprint for navigating change and challenge, and this is what it looks like.
KRISIS
Starting with the potential midlife crisis: I can hear the dad from the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” as I am writing this: The term crisis comes from the Greek word “krisis” meaning: “a defining moment when an important decision has to be made in times of significant change or challenge”. A turning point.
This means that within crisis lies opportunity. But to see it as an opportunity we cannot let change or challenge defeat us. We always have a choice, and there are many actions we can take to create opportunities.
Beautifull Marietta in the spring
Acceptance – Dealing with Anxiety
First of all, try to understand and accept where you are in life at this very moment. This will help reduce stress and anxiety by allowing you to be at peace with your current circumstances rather than constantly worrying about what could or should be different. By acknowledging where you are, you can assess your strengths and weaknesses. This supports a growth mindset where you see your current situation as a starting point for improvement rather than a permanent state. Acceptance can be a powerful coping mechanism and help build resilience. It is important to remember that acceptance is not the same as complacency which can lead to ignorance and stagnation. Always look for ways to grow, learn, and progress.
Positive thinking – Dealing with DEflation
Distinguish between where you can make a difference and where you have no control. If you are constantly filled with hopelessness and stress about things you have no control over, your brain will strengthen the neural pathways associated with negative thinking. These pathways then become stronger and more dominant over time. Since the brain has a finite amount of neural resources there will be fewer available for positive thinking.
If you focus on constructive thinking and a positive mindset these neural pathways will strengthen instead. This way you can reallocate your brain’s resources for a more constructive mindset and overall mental well-being. This concept is called neuroplasticity and like everything else in life, it’s something we need to practice to become better at it.
Perspective – Dealing with Guilt
Don’t dismiss your emotions by comparing them to other people’s more significant hardships. If your struggles are weighing you down but seem insignificant compared to others, contextualize them within your own life instead. Accept that everyone’s challenges are unique and valid in their own way. Acknowledge that life is complex and that it’s possible to be fortunate in some areas while struggling in others. Never feel undeserving of your life. You have earned it.
Gratitude – dealing with life
Most importantly show gratitude for what you have accomplished and where you are in life at any given moment. There is always something to be grateful for no matter how small or insignificant it may seem at the time. Remember that being grateful doesn’t invalidate your right to feel and address any hardship you might experience. Always embrace self-compassion and a growth mindset and your emotional rollercoaster will eventually become a journey of fulfillment and resilience.
How?
So, how do these things work in practical terms? There are many different ways, but once again, I allowed myself time and space to deal with my emotions, feel all the feelings, explore new interests, challenge myself, meditate, and create good habits. I am far from back to where I started, and I won’t ever be back if I keep up with what I know works for me, especially when change happens. It’s hard work and requires constant focus not to be an emotional mess, even more so in midlife. Eventually, little by little I will connect all the dots. And so will you!
Read More
Read more about our wonderful stay in Georgia:
- Great Ways to Explore the Natural Beauty of Georgia
- Great Reasons to Put Georgia on Your Travel List (Here you can read more about Marietta – a true Southern gem).
- How to Experience the Perfect Day in Savannah
In the travel journal, there will be other great destinations to explore.
If you want to read more about my take on navigating midlife, check out the midlife journal.