How to Navigate the Highs and Lows of Midlife

THE HIGHER YOU FLY THE FURTHER YOU FALL

This is not about skiing in the French Alps. This is about “How to Navigate the Highs and Lows of Midlife” while skiing in the French Alps More specifically it’s about some challenges we might face when we reconnect with our adult children after they have left home.

A Graceful descent

The valley was like a soft, shimmering blanket below me. A delicate veil of fog draped over the snow-covered peaks, creating a serene and almost magical atmosphere. Freddy and Allan were already tiny dots in the distance below me. I took a deep breath. I felt calm and at peace with myself and the beautiful surroundings, so I turned my skis toward the valley and took off.

Seconds later my graceful descent…at least that’s how I imagined it, was turned upside down as I rapidly slid headfirst down the steep slope. Everything was a snowy blur that emphasized the horrifying realization that this was my first and last day of skiing. A piercing pain surged through my right knee as it got twisted and hyperextended by the skis, still attached to my boots. “Oh, she lied about her weight”, since the skies didn’t automatically release from the boots. Actually no, I had politely stepped on the scale when they adjusted the skis at the rental place.   

Skiing in France

We had just arrived in Chamonix, France a few days prior. Fulfilling a lifelong dream of Allan’s, we would be skiing in the French Alps for a month. We had booked a place big enough to have both the kids and a few more people come and stay with us.

When we got there, Chamonix wasn’t exactly the picture-perfect alpine town we had imagined. Instead, it was a weary and rain-soaked version, and it didn’t look like we would be skiing anytime soon. So, we prepared ourselves for a worst-case scenario and bought a membership to the nearby gym for fitness, pool, and sauna.

The Ways of Life

However, life is amazing; – it started snowing the following day and the skiing conditions were perfect; and then it was horrible; – I fell and twisted my knee on our first day of skiing; and ugly; – crawling on my but all the way down the mountain crying and blaming Allan. Of course, it was somehow his fault that I fell; then it was painful and frustrating; – sitting on the couch, icing my knee, feeling sorry for myself while everyone else was out skiing; and in the end, it was amazing again; – within a week I was able to get back out on the slopes with a tight sleeve around my swollen knee and a bruised self-confidence.

Well, maybe not amazing. Still quite frustrating in fact. I had to be careful not to hyperextend my knee again and it turned out that my self-confidence was completely buried in the snow masses. I probably shouldn’t even have been out there so soon, but I wanted to spend time with my family more than anything.

Heartbroken

Freddy had just finished 5 months, at a Folk High School/Højskole in Denmark specializing in sports, and she was staying with us the entire month. In February she would travel to Maldives and Sri Lanka. She missed all her new friends from school, and she was in the process of figuring out how to apply for College in Denmark. The initial excitement of spending time with us was replaced by impatience and moping. I would either describe her as being difficult or vulnerable, depending on my own mood. Every morning she would hit the slopes on her own, having no patience with the rest of us. After a full day of skiing, she would go to the gym and then either read in her room or be on the phone with friends.

While being away from us she had changed both physically and emotionally. She had grown up, not in front of my very eyes but when I had looked away for a split second. It made me heartbroken. At least from a distance, I had been able to pretend she was still our little girl. Trying to walk on eggshells around her only made her distance herself more from us and often she got very annoyed, with me in particular.

Unfamiliar territory

I understood and acknowledged, to a certain extent, that children as well as parents have to adapt to this new phase in life, and that it was a learning process for all of us. However, the skiing accident made me feel extremely vulnerable. I was painfully aware of how often everyone had to stop on the slopes and wait for me, and I felt out of shape and old. Since no one seemed to feel sorry for me, I put a lot of effort into feeling sorry for myself.

The situation with Feddy was unfamiliar territory, and I lacked the energy to deal with it. I knew that I needed to let go as a mother and give her space to grow. I’d even acknowledged that my role as a nurturing mother had to change into a more mentoring and supportive role. I tried my best to offer guidance and to avoid over-involvement. However, nothing had prepared me for this explicit rejection I felt, and I was riding some serious emotional waves.

A recipe for disaster

My initial strategy was to try to keep the balance and not rock the boat unnecessarily. I bottled up my frustrations and then took them out on Allan. This was nothing new. However, the transition Allan and I had gone through the previous 5 months, from being a family, centered around our children to just being a couple, had been challenging but also very successful. The new positive balance we had built in our relationship seemed to be jeopardized when the kids were around. Quickly, we fell back into old, less productive habits that were deeply rooted over a lifetime together.

Throwing into the mix, the dynamic between two very competitive and individual siblings, you have a recipe for disaster. It’s a huge challenge trying to develop an adult-to-adult relationship with your children when they act like 2-year-olds, after spending a little too much time together. Once again, someone seemed to fall back into old patterns.

Trying to Navigate

It was difficult trying to navigate this new relationship with our children especially since we were surrounded by family and friends the whole time. However, we didn’t crash and burn as a family.

We have learned that it is important to find new ways of interacting with our adult children, so we don’t infringe on their newly found identity. The more we encourage open and mature conversations, treating our children as the adults they are becoming, the more success we have. It’s a process. We have to allow them to make their own decisions, and take responsibility, and as parents never underestimate or belittle the challenges they face. We can share our insights and experiences, but their opinions need to be valued and their feelings validated, even if they don’t match our own. No matter how old they are, they will always need our support and encouragement. Most of all, it is important to talk about expectations and boundaries to ensure mutual respect and understanding between everybody, – as a family, – as siblings, – and as a couple.

And just like that

And just like that it was time to go back. Despite the new territory we had encountered, we had a great time with family and friends. Sunshine, blue skies, and powdery white snow every day. Hot Vin Chau (mulled wine) at a cozy chalet after skiing. The rich aroma of melted cheese and garlic when indulging in a delicious fondue or raclette. Walking through the quaint shops in town as the sun casts a soft glow on the snow-covered rooftops and cobblestone streets. Laughter when sharing stories from a long day of skiing.

Flying High

Every day we’d watched the paragliders gracefully take off and hover over the mountains. Their colorful parachutes create an exhilarating spectacle. We had talked about going paragliding, and even though part of me wanted to, I had many excuses for not doing it. The best one was, that I probably wouldn’t be able to take off because of my injured knee.

Before I even got out of bed, on our last morning, Allan told me he booked paragliding for both of us. There was no way out, so we went paragliding. I am not a bucket list kind of person, but this would definitely be on my list. It wasn’t scary at all but a peaceful and wonderful experience. The perfect way to end this part of our journey – on a high note!

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Read more about navigating midlife in the midlife journal

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