HIP COFFEE SHOPS AWAIT
1,200 miles across the desolate, rural landscapes of Nebraska and Iowa. Endless rows of corn fields and towering windmills. Finally, we arrived in Chicago. I was excited. So many things to experience in Chicago after the serene but secluded life in Colorado. I Pictured myself in a hip Logan Square coffee shop; working on my laptop, drinking a matcha latte, and being part of the bustling energy of the people surrounding me. It was time to venture on and be inspired.
Our new place in Logan Square was on the middle floor of an older but charming house. The cozy neighborhood and the pretty tree-lined street outside, made it feel like we weren’t in a large city at all. As soon as I entered the house, I imagined myself working from the alcove of the bay window where light flooded into the space from all sides. Everything seemed very promising.
Our residence in Logan Square – dark grey house, red door
jetlagged
The following morning I woke up after a bad night’s sleep. I felt completely jetlagged and maybe even a little depressed. I stayed in my joggers with a messy hair bun and didn’t even bother to take a shower. After almost a week of feeling like a zombie, I finally got off the couch, took a shower, and ventured out to the Logan Square neighborhood.
“Hip and trendy” was a frequently used description of the area, but to me, it seemed more like a concrete jungle as soon as I walked a few streets away from our apartment. I felt out of place in the local coffee shop, where I was surrounded by a much younger demographic. My matcha latte was very expensive and half cold, and when I realized that I had locked myself out of the apartment (Allan was at a meeting downtown), I just felt like crying.
the laws of attraction
Things got much better after the first week, but I had a hard time focusing on work. “I am wasting time”, I thought, “ Procrastinating big time”. I didn’t say anything out loud, It was just a thought in my mind, but when I opened my laptop, an article popped up. “The secret to stop procrastinating at work”! What?! It’s not unusual that the internet is following our online actions, but that it was able to read my mind was…yes, mind-blowing!! Or could it be “The Laws of Attraction”?!
Logan Square, Chicago
make it happen!
The Laws of Attraction is more or less scientifically proven and may be more a philosophical or spiritual belief. I believe in this concept and have seen it in effect so many times. The way I focus my thoughts and energy on something and how the corresponding outcome will reflect exactly what my focus is, negative or positive. It makes sense to me. If I have a strong desire to achieve something, and I believe that it’s possible to achieve it, all my energy and actions are focused on making it happen, and it will materialize. I can make it happen!
Blaming the Universe, the traffic, or your husband for shit that happens in your life doesn’t help. Trust me I’ve tried. Occasionally I still do. No one said this philosophy is supposed to be easy. Somehow in my experience, it’s always easier to materialize the negative than the positive. Maybe the reason is, that we tend to believe we deserve bad things to happen more than we deserve good things.
feeling stuck
I read the article and was relieved to learn that procrastination didn’t mean I was lazy or lacked self-control. I just had a problem with clarity. According to the article, the key to results is achieving clarity. So, maybe it wasn’t a coincidence that The Laws of Attraction didn’t seem to work in my favor at the moment. I was consistently getting more and more confused about the true purpose of this journey. I felt lost and tired and even more stuck than before we left California.
There is a life-force within your soul, seek that life. There is a gem in the mountain of your body, seek that mine. O traveler, if you are in search of that don’t look outside, look inside yourself and seek that.
– Rumi
looking for clarity
Okay, so the first step was to get some clarity. If I didn’t know what I wanted in this part of my life, how could I expect anything to ever materialize? What did I dream about for myself? Traveling and new experiences. Yes! Check! But the fact was, that midlife had left me in a state where I felt I had nowhere to direct my ambitions, my passion, and my drive. The question had been lingering under the surface even before the kids left. Now, I had to come to terms with the fact that I wasn’t going to find an answer right away, just because we had crossed the California state line.
Logan Square, Chicago
Big dreams
Yes, what did I dream about for myself? Maybe having big dreams just wasn’t part of my DNA?! I understand why some people might think it’s a weird thing to say, considering we had just thrown ourselves into this journey across the US. However, I am referring to dreams on a more professional level. Like, “What am I going to be when I grow up”, kind of dreams.
I DO have dreams for myself. Of course, I do. But as part of a repeating pattern, I find ways of making excuses for not doing something difficult or scary. Finding ways of talking myself out of something, when there is a chance of failure. I dream of creating something using my passion for photography, writing, and graphic design. A book, a blog, an article, whatever. As long as someone will read it and find it meaningful or inspiring. However, I have a very hard time identifying myself as a writer. I feel like an imposter even thinking about it. Not to mention saying it out loud. Besides it requires that I put myself out there and let myself be vulnerable. That I am willing to set myself up for failure. Sometimes I think that I am even more scared of being successful than I am of failing. Does that even make any sense?
Eat, pray, love
At times I felt like living my own version of “Eat, Pray Love”, on a journey of self-discovery. Not through Italy, India, and Indonesia like Elizabeth Gilbert, but across the US. Constantly searching for something without knowing exactly what.
I started journaling regularly, about the different destinations and our experiences but also as a process to explore and discover what might be hidden or forgotten inside myself. Maybe find some answers and clarity, and hopefully open new and unfamiliar spaces within myself.
Searching for answers
If I had known how long, it would take for me to find clarity, maybe I would have just given up right there and then. Instead, I grabbed my camera and walked out, into a city, that at first glance seemed cold and unfriendly. Through my lens (which quickly became my iPhone), I saw incredible stories being told, in the street art everywhere around me, in the melting pot of architecture, art, and different cultures. This was a place where people from different walks of life lived in an interesting dynamic coexistence, and I started to see a beauty in the uniqueness of the city, that my eyes had been closed to before.