RECLAIMING GROWTH AS A TWO-WAY STREET
For years, my main focus was on raising my children – guiding, supporting, and shaping their growth. Somewhere along the way, I put myself on pause. By reclaiming growth as a two-way street, I’m learning that living truthfully is not just a gift to myself, but a great blueprint for my children.
Sleepless in Sydney
For the third time that morning, I stood in front of the panoramic windows of our 13th-floor apartment. The Sydney skyline was fascinating, but that’s not what kept me up at 5 a.m. I had already been up at 1 a.m. and 3 a.m. – not because of jetlag from traveling halfway around the world, but because my daughter, Freddy, was flying from California to Denmark that day.
At 1 a.m., I checked to see if she was on her way to the airport, at 3 a.m., I made sure she had arrived, and now, at 5 a.m., just in case. She was thousands of miles away, in an entirely different hemisphere. Logically, I wouldn’t be able to make any difference whatsoever.
Logic is probably what kept Allan sound asleep – I know he doesn’t love our daughter any less than I do – but my mind was racing beyond logic.
We spend years nurturing their wings to make sure our children can fly. Now, the hardest part is stepping back and watch them take off. (Mural from Katoomba, Australia)
Small Children, Small Problems…
When I was pregnant with our first child, an older colleague told me, “Small children, small problems. Big children, big problems”. “Clearly, she doesn’t know what she is talking about,” I thought, as a screaming, irrational little creature turned my world upside down.
However, it turned out to be somewhat true. As our kids grow older, we can’t just fix things with a hug or a bedtime story. In my case, I wasn’t even in the same country as my kids most of the time.
And there it was. The quiet guilt that often lingered in the back of my mind, saying I should be closer, more available, more there. The way I had always been there for my children. Before I decided to say “yes” to this next chapter of my life – this wild, unpredictable, expanding chapter that had taken us across the US and now all the way to Australia.
The Perfect Mother Myth
Freddy didn’t need me to make sure she got on that plane. She would probably be quite upset if she knew it had kept me up all night.
But guilt isn’t about what I do or should have done. It’s a symptom of unrealistic expectations I put on myself – trying to live up to a narrative of the perfect mother, wife, employee, friend – always striving to be everything for everyone. And when I fail, my shortcomings become a breeding ground for guilt.
I used to pick up my son after school every day. The day we both remember the most is the one day I forgot to pick him up. Yes. The. Guilt!
Every role a women takes on only tells a part of her story - time to be whole instead of trying to be perfect. (Mural from Katoomba, Australia)
The Illusion of Control
Like any mother, I wanted to protect my children. I wanted them to thrive and succeed. Staying in control and managing outcomes was my way of making failure less likely, for myself and my children. It was an illusion, of course, giving me a false sense of security. But control became a coping mechanism to keep guilt away.
In midlife, I realized that I had the freedom to live on my own terms again, but at the same time, it became an uncomfortable unraveling of control. As my children grew up to be independent young adults, I had to let go. It was terrifying as much as necessary.
Sometimes the best thing we can do is step back and let our children shine on their own. They are more capable than we think — and often more than we allow. (Mural from Katoomba, Australia)
Shaping their values, behavior, and identity is no longer my job. My children are free to pursue their dreams and make their own mistakes. And so am I.
When guilt shows up from time to time, I know it’s a sign that I’m trying to please other people and neglecting my own needs. It means that I’m leaning into the illusion of control instead of simply responding to the circumstances.
The moment we are responsible for someone, we begin to shape them. And that shaping comes with a level of control. Control is a byproduct of love and care – but it can also become a prison. – Esther Perel
The ultimate expression of motherhood
When I disappeared into motherhood more than 20 years earlier, I became an echo of someone else’s needs. For a long time, I thought that losing myself was part of being a mother, and I watched as my identity gradually started vanishing.
It made me realize that self-sacrifice isn’t the ultimate expression of motherhood. Radical leadership and trust might be what our children need most – not control or constant protection. That way, we empower our children to make their own decisions while navigating success and failure in their lives.
May the parrot be a reminder to celebrate our voice, embrace every shade of who we are, and cherish the stories still waiting to unfold. (Murals from Katoomba, Australia)
Living a Truthful Life
And what better way to teach our children to be independent, resilient, and confident than by living a truthful life when they leave the nest?
A life where we practice the power of influence instead of control.
A life with purpose, curiosity, and courage instead of conformity.
Whether we are stuck in an unfulfilling job, a home that no longer fits our needs, or a relationship that has come to an end – we can show our children that it’s never too late to change direction, rediscover purpose, or pursue transformation.
If our inner voice says there’s more to life, we need to listen. Even if it means trusting that “We’ve done enough”, or if we have no clue what the outcome will be.
Being present in our children’s lives isn’t a matter of distance. It’s about building trust so they know we’ll always be there for them, even if we’re halfway across the world.
Because of their short lifespans, butterflies often represent the fleeting nature of life and the importance of living fully in the moment. (Mural from Katoomba, Australia)
Reclaiming Growth
As I watched Sydney come alive in the dawning twilight, I reminded myself that being a parent isn’t a one-way street.
My children grew up – and now it was my turn! I was reclaiming growth as a two-way street by reaching for my full potential, which meant letting go of an awful lot of control and replacing it with an adaptable mindset.
I had come a long way already – by choosing a new path and giving myself permission to define and explore what a fulfilled life meant for me.
Maybe I wasn’t losing sleep just because I felt guilty about not being there for my children. What if I woke up to a new chapter of my life, where jumping into the unknown without a safety net, and letting my children do the same, is part of who I am?
Watching the Sydney skyline in the dawning twilight - reminding myself that growth is a two-way street.
Read More
If you want to explore Sydney, check out Why Sydney is the Ultimate Travel Destination and How to Explore the Soul of Sydney – Beyond the Icons in the Travel Journal
In the Midlife Journal, you’ll find more about navigating midlife. And in Midlife Matters, you can read about how to make a Life Audit or deal with Brain Fog and Decision Fatigue