FROGS IN A RAINSTORM
My brain is a complete reflection of my laptop. Not in the sense that it’s an intelligent, technical wonder but because we both have about 25 tabs open at once, all the time. I am just multitasking, I tell myself. So, in my head, I quickly switch from one “tap” to another. What do we get Allan’s brother for Christmas? We need to buy toothpaste. Any plans for the weekend? Should I make a smoothie? I really need to focus on this project. Maybe a sweater for Allan’s brother. Did I brush my teeth this morning? I should go for a walk. Focus, focus, focus. I’ll make a cup of tea or maybe brush my teeth. Let me check my emails and just a quick look at Facebook. Do we even have bananas for a smoothie? Ohh, how to knit the perfect oversized sweater! Dinner, what’s for dinner?
I am trying to work, but random thoughts leap around my brain like tiny frogs in a rainstorm. At some point, they’ll spiral into negativity and self-judgment. I blame myself for not thinking clearly, and not getting any work done. Then I add to the chaos by questioning everything I do, every word I write, and every decision I make. “What if…” is printed in neon colors on the inside of my forehead as a great excuse for not making any progress. What if I can’t do this? What if I’m not good enough? You get the picture!
From Weakness to Strenght
I watched how my son learned to manage all his perceived weaknesses and turn them into powerful strengths. How his stubbornness transformed into determination and perseverance, well most of it anyway. His perfectionism gave him high standards and attention to detail. Impatience became a drive for efficiency and proactive problem-solving. His temper redirected as passion and assertiveness, and his sensitive nature enhanced his empathy and great communication skills.
So, why am I unable to channel constant overthinking and insecurity into something useful? Maybe help me become a fantastic decision-maker or problem-solver. Instead overthinking is like a massive concrete wall that keeps me from moving on and reaching my goals.
I know it is nature’s way of protecting me from failure by avoiding taking risks. However, every time I avoid taking a risk it adds to a feeling of anxiousness, which affects my self-esteem and makes me feel insecure and worthless. The perfect vicious circle.
What do you want to be?
When my son was younger, he wanted to be a famous chef…and a professional soccer player and an actor. Not OR but AND! Later, he added “inventor” to the list. I told him it takes a lot of time and commitment to be just one of those things. Planning on having four different careers all at once, may be a bit of a stretch.
At the school talent show, he sang “Fireflies” one year, and blessed his heart for not wanting to be a singer. He always auditioned for the biggest parts in the school plays, ran for student council, and tried out for the best soccer teams. He wasn’t an aspiring actor or professional soccer player, but he was very competitive and wanted to try everything at least once.
Avoiding failure
One time I told him not to be disappointed if he didn’t make the soccer team. He looked at me and said, “Mom, I don’t think you are being very supportive”. My first reaction was, “What? No one is more supportive than I am! I believe in my children, and want them to succeed more than anything”.
What he said made me think. Yes, I want my children to be successful, but at the same time, I also want them “not to fail”. I certainly had his best interest at heart and encouraged both kids to do their best, never give up, and reach for the stars. However, I realized that it had to be within my predefined boundaries. Boundaries that seemed realistic and not at the expense of disappointments and heartbreak. Theirs, and mine. Today I am thankful, that my kids didn’t listen to me trying to project my fears of failing onto them.
Missed opportunities
Coming to terms with the fact that failing is a natural and inevitable part of life can be difficult. However, failing is necessary to build resilience and strength, learn, and overcome future challenges. I am aware of missed opportunities because I was reluctant to embrace failure or fear of what other people might think about me if I failed.
We can talk ourselves out of nearly anything using logic, yet logic rarely produces magic. Do the scary thing that’s been resurfacing again and again. The thing that won’t let you run from the ache of what might unfold. The call of what could actually be. Ditch the waiting. Be lit aflame by the magic pull of possibility.
A little philosophy
The Danish Philosopher Søren Kierkegaard once said: “Livet må forstås baglæns, men må leves forlæns.” Which translates to something like: “Life can only be understood by looking backward, but it must be lived looking forward”.
Perhaps looking backward isn’t a bad idea when reassessing our purpose, goals, and achievements during midlife. Reflecting on past experiences, fears, and challenges can provide valuable life lessons. I believe we can learn, not only by reflecting on our path but also, by paying attention to what other people go through. Our lives may look more alike than we think, and sharing our stories can give others a fresh perspective and a new approach.
Finding a catalyst
“Reimagine Midlife” is about a journey across the US. It is also about finding that catalyst inside ourselves, that helps us face our fears and insecurities, gain new perspectives, confront our inner truths, and discover aspects of ourselves that may have been hidden or overlooked.
Our midlife journey has taught me what it means to understand life by looking backward. Something, I had to come to terms with and the reason why this blog has been published now and not when we started our journey. One of the most important things I’ve learned is that it is never too late for things to happen. They happen when it’s time for them to happen – at the right time.