WHAT’S HAPPENING TO MY BRAIN?
I used to be a confident driver. Yes, really! But lately it’s like my brain’s inner drama queen, in the shape of an old grandmother, has suddenly hijacked the steering wheel.
She’s pulled the car seat so far forward that my chin is nearly resting on the steering wheel, and my knees are hitting the dashboard. My eyes are squinted, and my hands are ten to two in a dead grip. You get the picture!
Welcome to midlife in motion!
The Dad Jokes
What happened? Suddenly, every merge feels like a near-death experience. I’m consistently driving at least 15 miles below the speed limit, and my husband started telling “dad” jokes like these:
A man waits in the driver’s seat for his wife to get into the car. She opens the door and says: “Do you want me to drive from the front seat or the back seat?”
A man is driving while his wife sits next to him, yelling: “You’re going too fast! Slow down! Look out! You’re getting too close!” The husband replies: “Here’s an idea – how about you drive your side of the car, and I’ll drive mine?”
He never says it out loud, but I know what he’s thinking: “This is you. This is who you’re becoming”. And honestly, he’s not completely wrong.
The Co-Pilot
When Allan drives, I co-pilot from the passenger seat, while I cling to the door handle and make frequent outbursts. “People are driving like maniacs these days,” I complain.
I’m sure Allan is secretly thinking about inventing a new kind of seatbelt – one that buckles right over my mouth.
I’m particularly worried about sideswiping a curb. Not that it ever happens. Anyways, I keep my eyes fixed on the road and give Allan clear instructions, so he knows when to slow down or be more aware, which is often. I’m not sure Allan thinks I’m being helpful, but thank goodness he’s a patient man.
Sculpture from Lange Kunsthåndværk in Denmark
The Accident
I’ve contemplated the age thing a lot, but I’ve also wondered if part of it goes back to an accident we had in Northern California a few years ago.
We had just crossed the bridge from San Francisco to Oakland, heading home to Alameda. At the intersection, Allan slightly slowed down, then pressed on. “Oh shuut,” he said, a split second before a car crashed head-on into his side of the car.
Our Ford Expedition spun around like an empty bottle and landed diagonally across the intersection, facing the opposite way. Both airbags deployed. I panicked when I felt something wet, but realized it was just water.
Shocked, I stumbled out of the car. A witness ran towards us. “The other car ran a red light”, he said, and I felt an instant relief that it wasn’t our fault. He typed his number into my phone – my hands were shaking too much to do it myself.
The other car was left in the middle of the intersection, totally wrecked. Both passengers seemed okay, though. We reported to the police and then waited for a towing truck.
Sculpture from Lange Kunsthåndværk in Denmark
The Bad Decision
We were surrounded by a network of freeway overpasses and ramps at one of the Bay Area’s most chaotic traffic junctions.
Below this web of concrete and steel, there were shelters for homeless people – improvised structures, tents, and old RVs among industrial warehouses, trash, and graffiti.
There were about 3 miles back to Alameda, through an underwater tunnel. So, we removed our bikes from the car before it got towed and decided to bike back.
If I ever end up in a similar situation, this is the part I know I will handle differently…
By the time we were ready to go, it was completely dark. We got lost trying to find the entrance to the tunnel and circled a maze of freeway ramps, train tracks, and fenced-off lots. The unsettling hum of the traffic above us and the deserted industrial area made us feel very exposed and vulnerable. We asked a few suspicious-looking people for directions, but without any luck.
Sculpture from Lange Kunsthåndværk in Denmark
The Twilight Zone
When we finally found the narrow sidewalk through the tunnel, we hesitated. We had driven through the Posey Tube dozens of times, but biking was a completely different story.
Now, we were feet above the roaring cars. The tunnel vibrated from heavy traffic. The light was flickering and dim, and the noise was amplified by the tile walls.
With a tight, white-knuckled grip on the handlebars, I pedaled forward. The air felt thick and stale from exhaust fumes.
My eyes stayed fixed on the narrow path as I tried to avoid the curbed sidewall. My heart was racing, and I felt claustrophobic.
Halfway through the tunnel, we had an experience that somehow ended up being the most upsetting part of this horrible night.
The Ghostbuster
On the sidewalk in front of us, a man in a white Ghostbuster costume was yelling and waving wildly at the traffic. I tried to warn Allan not to get too close and startle him, but he couldn’t hear me. As we edged past the guy, we noticed a huge bag filled with big toy guns. The guy paused for a second as we passed him and stared at us in disbelief.
All I could think was, “What if the guns are real and in a minute, we’ll get shot in the back?”
When we finally reached the end of the tunnel and rolled into the quiet streets of Alameda, it felt like stepping out of the Twilight Zone.
The Anxiety
No doubt this experience made me more anxious when I’m driving. Allan, on the other hand, felt slightly invincible. “We’ve got the biggest car”, he said. “Nothing’s going to happen to us”.
“Is it just me, then?” I wonder.
And no, it’s not just me! Anxiety, especially when it comes to risks and control, is surprisingly common among women as we get older.
Hold on to your steering wheel, ladies, it’s time to recognize and confront midlife anxiety in motion! While our heads get filled with “What-if” and “Yes, but” as we grow more aware of what could go wrong, men’s heads tend to “expand” to the point where they become increasingly convinced that they are untouchable behind the wheel.
Sculpture from Lange Kunsthåndværk in Denmark
The Reason
What makes (some) women feel more anxious in traffic? It’s not about a sudden loss of skill but is linked to deeper emotional, psychological, and physiological factors that become more noticeable as we age.
And yes, fluctuating hormone levels are one thing that can cause anxiety in women during menopause. These changes have an impact on coordination, spatial awareness, muscle strength, and energy levels – all important when driving.
So, if you’re a bit panicked or sweaty, maybe slightly paralyzed, or experience heart palpitations while driving, it’s just another thing women deal with on top of navigating other significant changes of midlife. And even if these changes are completely normal, they certainly add to a sense of doubt or lack of confidence.
I’ve found that by acknowledging my inner drama queen – the anxious old grandmother – and understanding where she comes from, I‘m learning to cope not only with “midlife anxiety in motion” but other midlife stresses as well. I know she is only trying to protect me, but since her strategy does more harm than good, I’m determined to take back control of the steering wheel – for now.
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I’m Lotte, and I write about midlife and travel. If you want to read more about navigating midlife while traveling as a digital nomad, check out the Midlife Journal
If you just want to get inspired for great travel destinations, go to the Travel Journal