How to Turn a Midlife Crisis Into a Midlife Opportunity

WHEN REALITY HITS

The noise of water running loudly through the old pipes, woke us up early in the morning. We had checked into an older motel in San Clemente, California the night before. Now, we were staring at each other in disbelief. “Who on earth had the brilliant idea of terminating the lease on our house, packing all our belongings in storage, spending 7 weeks in a suitcase in Europe before packing up the car in California and heading out on a road trip across the US…?!” We both knew who had that idea, and if Allan wasn’t such a nice guy he would have said it out loud: “What the f… Lotte”!!! 

This may look like a crash and burn but it is just gravity in its beauty asking us to touch down, asking us to feel the earth we come from before we reach for the stars again.

– Cleo Wade

taking control of midlife

So, this is what happens when you take control of midlife. Maybe watching too much Netflix during a pandemic and reading Glennon Doyle’s “Untamed” had something to do with it too. I had insisted on giving up a perfectly good and comfortable life in California to avoid being an empty nester. I wanted to follow that voice inside of me saying that there has to be more somewhere out there. That this whole midlife thing wasn’t the end but maybe a new beginning. An opportunity. At that moment I had no clue what kind of opportunity or what “more” could possibly turn out to be. The whole thing felt more like a hangover.

A crisis?

A midlife crisis, is that what it was? In that case, I certainly dragged Allan right into the middle of it. He looked like someone who had been taken hostage and I knew exactly what he was thinking: “Why is this not enough?”. “Why are WE not enough?”. He never seemed concerned about that massive void our kids left behind, as they headed out for college in Europe. An absence of something so meaningful and fulfilling, that living without them seemed impossible to me. I had prepared myself for a complete free fall for a while. How could WE possibly be enough, just the two of us? 

or an opportunity?

For so long my life had been defined by the many roles of motherhood. When we moved to California I chose to give up my career as a pharmaceutical scientist for a few years. It seemed like a good investment in our family. I never imagined that a few years would turn into 14. Although I had been working as a freelance graphic designer for years, I felt stuck and uninspired with my work. Maybe midlife was an opportunity to change the narrative of my life, seek new experiences, and pursue personal growth. An opportunity to do whatever I wanted and not just sit at home and wait for the children to visit from college between weight gain and hot flashes. 

at a CROSSROADs

The need for personal growth and change was not exactly one of Allan’s top priorities. It had been very difficult for us to communicate about our future goals and priorities. It was very simple really. I wanted to discuss it over and over again, and Allan didn’t want to talk about it at all. We were at a crossroads in life but also with each other, and I realized that it was time for some serious self-reflection. Where had the last 20 years left us and our relationship? 20 years of being in survival mode; making the children’s homework, soccer practice, cooking dinners, and dirty laundry the number one priority.

The “what-ifs”

So, what happens when you reach this particular stage in life and you realize that you and your spouse may not be on the same page about the future? On top of that, you have a hard time even communicating about the inevitable changes knocking on your door.

I started asking myself a lot of questions. What if I had chosen to work instead of being a stay-at-home mom? What if I had, at least, gone back to work in the pharmaceutical industry when my kids got older? What if I had pursued further education and invested more time in what I wanted? What if I had taken more risks, been braver, been more confident?

A guilt trip…

My husband seemed okay with the changes, so why did I feel a need to pursue some fluffy ideas about personal growth, fairytales, and unicorns? More than anything I felt guilty. Guilty of not going after the opportunities I had earlier in life. Guilty of not feeling content with my life, of being selfish, and feeling weak. Well, there is never an end to the guilt list and I think most women can relate to that, no matter their walk in life.

The what-ifs, the guilt, and add a lot of insecurity in the mix, made things difficult for a while. I started to worry about hypothetical scenarios if I pushed too hard for us to leave California, and hypothetical scenarios are a great excuse for not taking any action at all.

a paradox…

What a paradox to have left family and friends in Denmark years ago, and now dreaming about a life far away from everyone I cared about including our kids. But, paradoxes can be catalysts for the fundamental existential questions we ask ourselves. So, if I was searching for purpose, resilience, perspective, and self-acceptance maybe embracing this paradox wasn’t such a bad idea. After all, as another well-known paradox states, “the only constant is change”.

and an ultimatum

It’s not like Allan wasn’t adventurous. We had always joked about traveling across the US in an RV when we retired. Since we both worked from home and Allan didn’t travel for work at the time because of COVID, we played around with the idea of starting that journey early. Very patiently (I think) and little by little (somewhat), I sold Allan on the idea (or maybe it was more like an ultimatum). “We can always return to California if things don’t work out,” I said. “Maybe just try it out for a few months,” I uttered. “It won’t be forever,” I declared.

Taking the lead

For a lot of practical and logical reasons, we decided to stay at Airbnb, instead of living in an RV. In hindsight, I don’t think our journey would have lasted very long if we hadn’t compromised a little. After all, relationships are often a delicate dance of finding common ground, and not for one partner to always take the lead impatiently. I have to remind myself from time to time. But then again, if no one takes the lead maybe there will be no dancing at all.

Reshaping

That morning in the motel room, before leaving California, we both realized that what felt like a midlife crisis became a doorway to new opportunities. Not only for shared adventures but for how we wanted to live and grow together. We would soon learn that by embracing the discomfort of leaving everything behind, our connection would deepen, and our path together would be redefined.

Turning a midlife crisis into a midlife opportunity doesn’t necessarily require drastic changes, like leaving everything behind. It’s not about escaping but more about reshaping how we want to live our lives and accepting that life doesn’t always have to follow a fixed path.

Read more about the challenges of midlife

How to Avoid a Midlife Avalanche.